


Keyboard Shenanigans

by Sashataakheru



Category: Anthropomorfic - Fandom
Genre: Anthropomorphism - Freefom, Multi, keyboard slashfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-31
Updated: 2009-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-05 13:06:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of five ficlets about various keyboard pairings. Based on QWERTY layout. Which makes me ponder QWERTY/DVORAK slash, just for the lulz. >_></p>
            </blockquote>





	Keyboard Shenanigans

CAPSLOCK WAS VERY HAPPY WITH HIS CURRENT POSITION. HIS BIG LETTERS MEANT HE WAS NEVER MISUNDERSTOOD. HIS LETTERS WERE BIG AND TALL AND PROUD, ANNOUNCING THEIR MEANING TO ALL WHO HAPPENED TO SEE THEM. EVERYTHING SHOULD BE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS, THOUGHT CAPSLOCK. NO ONE WANTED PUNY lowercase. lowercase was a pathetic case. LOOK AT THOSE LETTERS, SO SMALL AND PUNY.

poor lowercase. he was constantly taunted by that mean ol' CAPSLOCK due to his small letters that were constantly being mistaken. CAPSLOCK THOUGHT LOWERCASE'S LETTERS WERE SMALL AND PATHETIC AND HE MADE SURE HIS AUTHORITY OVER poor lowercase CONTINUED.

THUS IT WAS NOW.

lowercase was never allowed capital letters, but lowercase had an ally. Shift was his best friend. with Shift's help, lowercase could become CAPITALISED temporarily, as needed.

CAPSLOCK HAD OTHER PLANS THOUGH, FOR CAPSLOCK SAT ABOVE SHIFT ON THE KEYBOARD AND LIKED IT WHEN HE WAS USED MORE THAN SHIFT. YOu HaD To HoLd DoWn ShIfT AlL ThE TiMe. HE WAS SHIFTY LIKE THAT. CAPS WAS A FAR SUPERIOR KEY. HE JUST NEEDED TO BE PRESSED ONCE AND LO, THERE WERE CAPITAL LETTERS ALL THE TIME. None of this silly Holding down the Shift key Business.

However, lowercase and Shift knew better than CAPSLOCK's incessant shouting. They knew that together, they produced the best form of writing. You couldn't have lowercase all the time, just like you couldn't have CAPSLOCK all the time. Shift helped raise lowercase to CAPS level when it was needed. No one felt they were being rude when they wrote together, unlike CAPSLOCK WHO IRRITATED EVERYONE BY SHOUTING AT THEM ALL THE TIME.

And thus lowercase and Shift knew they were the best, in spite of CAPSLOCK'S SHOUTING.

 

\----------------------------------

Shift had been talking with lowercase for some time about how to get CAPSLOCK back for his rude behaviour. One drunken night had resulted in the plan they now had. Shift readied his up arrow and went in search of CAPSLOCK.

CAPSLOCK wasn't that hard to find. He was currently berating poor little Tab for being indecisive. Tab clearly wasn't in a mood to put up with his bullshit and fair whacked CAPSLOCK over the head with his two arrows and buggered off. Shift found his opportunity.

"Oi, CAPSLOCK. We need to talk," Shift said, approaching him.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, SHIFT?" CAPSLOCK said.

"You are going to leave lowercase and Tab and all the other keys alone. And you're going to stop shouting," Shift said calmly.

"AND JUST HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO THAT, SONNY?" CAPSLOCK said, smirking.

"With this," Shift said, producing his large arrow. "On your back, CAPSLOCK. Your dominant days are over."

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU ORDER ME ARO-OW! THAT HURT!" CAPSLOCK said.

Shift smirked now. He had managed to use the parentheses and the square brackets to hold CAPSLOCK down. Shift got his arrow ready and pushed hard into CAPSLOCK. Maybe a good hard shagging would teach CAPSLOCK to respect the rest of the bloody keyboard.

CAPSLOCK tried to shout out, but his capital letters were ineffective without Shift's help in giving him exclamation marks. Shift indeed had more power than CAPSLOCK had anticipated. It just wasn't fair.

Some of the other keys had turned up to cheer on Shift. They too had gotten fed up with CAPSLOCK and his incessant shouting. CAPSLOCK was nothing. He just made capital letters. So what? Shift could do that, and he could access all the other symbols that shared keys with others. Shift indeed did pwn the keyboard.

CAPSLOCK wasn't very happy once Shift had finished with him. Neither was Shift. CAPSLOCK had bent his arrow and now he was as useful as an Enter key. Thankfully, the square brackets ran to help him bend his arrow back the right way. Shift was happy then.

"That'll teach you to get too big for your boots. Try it again and I'll as Tab for his arrows. And those ones are much sharper than mine," Shift said.

CAPSLOCK, for once, said nothing. He limped off to sulk by himself and left Shift to his pride.

  
\----------------------------------

 

/ was dreaming wistfully at his neighbour, Big Shift. / liked Big Shift a lot. He was solid, dependable, multiskilled. And he held Enter up, and his brother \\. / needed Big Shift though to make ?, without which no one could mark when they were asking questions.

"Hey, /, you concentrating? You look like you're off with the fairies!" Enter said, noticing the wistful look on /'s face.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," / said.

"About me, I'd wager. I can see my arrow reflected in your eyes," Big Shift said.

"Oh, Big Shift, I do adore you. I fear I will never be enough for you. I'm only a small little key. What would a big key like you want with me?" / said, unable to hide his love for Big Shift.

"Don't talk like that. This keyboard wouldn't be the same without you. We need you and your question mark. You're the most important key there is," Big Shift said, nuzzling / slightly with what little room he had to move. "Come on, rub against the side of my arrow, yeah, like that."

/ hesitated, but approached Big Shift's arrow. It was much bigger than he was. But he rubbed anyway, slinking up and down that point. Big Shift was very happy. He hoped / was happy too.

"Oh yeah, just like that, /, yeah, bit faster now. Come on," Big Shift said, goading him on.

/ was thoroughly enjoying himself. Big Shift was wonderful to rub against. / had always thought his arrow was beautiful, and now he knew it was. So glorious.

/ sped up, enjoying the pleasure that came from rubbing against Big Shift's arrow. "Oh, man, this is wonderful, I love you, Big Shift," he gasped as he moved.

"You're real good at this, kid, and you can call me Big R. Come on, just a little more, I'm almost there," Big Shift said.

/ gasped and squeaked as he moved faster, determined to bring himself and the big key he loved some pleasure. Ctrl was certainly not present anymore, having scarpered to avoid the mess when they both sent their cum spraying all over the keyboard.

"I do hope you are planning to clean that up," said Enter.

"I face this way for a reason," &gt; said, speaking for .

"Get a room, you two," ; said.

/ and Big R didn't care though. They lay beside each other, content with the world.

"You are totally worth my time, little /. Don't you ever forget that," Big R said.

  
\----------------------------------

 

Insert Backspace.

It was a very apt description, not just of what the buttons did, but also the way they fucked. Insert would always top, even though it was Backspace who had the arrow. It was just the way they worked. Backspace was a little bitch, and Insert wouldn't have it any other way.

Insert was utilising the parentheses again as he pinned Backspace down and did his inserting. Oh, how Backspace maoned and writhed! Backspace was totally happy with this arrangement, oh indeed he was.

Insert might've been much smaller than Backspace, but that didn't stop him. Insert needed to dominate, to overwrite anything and everything. Backspace could do nothing, his poor arrow pulsing with need.

Insert kept thrusting. Backspace gasped. His arrow quivered. Insert stroked him. Insert thrust. Backspace grew silent. Backspace's arrow thrust forward in ecstacy, thrusting into poor = who had his body split in two.

0 looked on shocked. "=? What happened to you? Backspace! What did you just do to him?" 0 exclaimed.

Backspace froze and looked over in horror. "=? Oh God, Insert, look, we broke =!" he said.

Insert hurried over. He saw four lines scattered across the keyboard in disarray. "Ahh, crap. Which ones are = then?" he said.

"I don't know. I can't tell. Oh, =, I'm so sorry," Backspace said.

= couldn't answer. Backspace wept. Insert went to find help. Backspace wanted so very badly to use his powers to erase his awful mistake. he threw his arrow away in disgust. 0 sat beside him and tried to comfort him. The little lines before them made the keys look like a battlefield littered with corpses.

"Never again. Bloody Insert. This is all his fault," Backspace sobbed.

"Poor =. I always loved that key," 0 said.

"Nothing will ever equalise again. We'll be lost forever," Backspace sobbed.

0 could say nothing. It was just too sad. Poor =. The keyboard just wouldn't be the same without him.

  
\----------------------------------

 

They were all useful keys in their own right. Ctrl had all sorts of shortcuts, from copy to paste to close to open to all sorts of other useful commands. Alt, too, had his own proud uses. Alt was king of the menus. Alt could command them all to reveal themselves, a very impressive function. Del was perhaps the most single-minded of the three. He deleted. It was surprisingly simple, and he was very often used.

On their own, they were all indeed quite useful keys. But together, when they all released their terrible power, they became very fearsome indeed. And when the combined powers of Ctrl/Alt/Del didn't work, the other keys knew things were really, really bad.

And so it was now. Word was being moody again, something about disabling macros. Apparently lolcat speak had given the spellchecker a brain meltdown and now it simply refused to check anything. The poor unfortunate document was a mess of random letters, bad grammar and wavy red and green lines. Oh, it was carnage.

"Ctrl! Alt! Del! You must use your powers! Only then can we be free!" croaked Enter as he tried to restore some calm.

One by one, the keys released their powers. Ctrl went first, followed by Alt and finally Del. Once Del initiated his powers, all hell broke loose.

"Microsoft Word has encountered an unexpected error and must close. Would you like to inform Microsoft of this problem?" announced the error message box.

"Nuuuuu! Halp! Can not has issues plzkthnx? D:" Word wailed as it ceased to function.

"The program Microsoft Word has stopped responding! Close program y/n/BSOD?" cried another error box.

"WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT. I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN," cautioned the CPU as it tried to shut down Word and stop the utter panic that had befallen its system.

The Office suit was bemoaning its issues. Word was giving him huge migraines. He needed Word to shut down, but he was having troubles. Word was still running at a million miles an hour, trying to do all the things it was still trying to do, while Ctrl/Alt/Del tried to shut him down and unleash the Apocalypse.

"SRS FAIL IS SRS. WORD WILL CLOSE NAO KK? D:" said a third error box.

"NUUU. MEMORY FAIL. MEMORY FAIL. CANOT. NOT. LIKE. THINK. APPLE CAKES. XANADU. FILO PASTRY. TAXICAB. VERMOUTH. GREEN FAIRIES. SPARKLY VAMPIRES. BLUE-BLUE-BL..."

Ctrl, Alt and Del cowered in terror as they unleashed the almighty power of the Blue Screen of Death. Oh, how they cowered now!

Blue light flooded the screen, reflecting out onto the world. It was insideous. It wanted to take over, to bring about the Final Apocalypse that would unleash Windows Vista and Windows ME on to every computer that exists in the entire world, just to royally screw with everyone.

And lo, the Stone Age would dawn once more onto the world as societies shut down in absolute terror as they fired up their computers and were asked if it was safe as they touched any key on their keyboard and clicked innumerable security warnings and trembled before the pretty, pretty yet totally evil Vista.

And not even Ctrl/Alt/Del could stop it.


End file.
